head over heels

20 ~ deal

[A/N - i love these hoes]

Kei tugged Evan into his house.

It was eerily quiet. No one was home. He wondered why. It was Monday and eight at night. Surely they wouldn't have anywhere to be?

Kei didn't mention it, so Evan didn't either.

They paused at his door. The hallway was dark. Kei paused for a second.

"Do you uh, want tea?" he said slowly.

A small smile broke the fog in his head.

"Sure," Evan nodded.

Kei smiled, "I have chamomile tea." He liked chamomile. It made him sleepy and slowed his brain down a bit. He really wanted to feel less shit, so he nodded.

"Okay."

"Make yourself comfortable," Kei said, opening his door, "I'll make the tea."

His led lights were still purple, but this time a soft lavender one. He sighed as he stepped into the room. He was immediately met with Gus meowing happily. Evan gathered him into his arms and moved to sit nervously at the corner of Kei's bed.

"Hey Gus," he mumbled into the cat's fur, scratching him behind the ears.

Gus meowed happily.

He eyed the empty door frame. His unease mounted. He felt anxiety creep up into his throat. What if Kei didn't actually want him here? What if he just didn't know how to say no. He racked his brains for any clue that Kei just wanted him gone.

He couldn't find any, yet his brain still decided to slap him with anxiety about it.

It was getting dark. Would he stay here? That brought him even more anxiety. It twisted in his gut like a punch. He felt so deeply unwanted. The thought of going back home was bad. The thought of facing his parents. Bad. The thought of Kei wanting him to go. Bad.

He forced his breathing to stay even, feeling his chest tighten again.

Then he thought about Dan, and it felt like he'd gotten the wind knocked out of him again.

He knew. Somehow he'd figured it out. He knew about his feelings for Kei, knew what he was and he'd just— he'd said it in front of everyone. He'd have to face them tomorrow. He didn't want to. He wanted to curl up in his bed and never get up.

He hugged Gus tight.

Kei padded back into the room, two cups of tea in his hands.

"Oh," he said slowly.

He placed the two cups on his bedside table, then sat down next to Evan. It was then he realised that he had tears welling in his eyes again.

"What's wrong?"

Evan shook his head, "Nothing."

"Evan," Kei murmured, "I don't believe you."

"It's okay," he whispered, sniffing, then removing one hand from Gus to wipe his eyes. "I just feel kinda shit. Always happens after."

"After a panic attack?"

Evan nodded, "Yeah."

"Oh."

"I um—" he focused on Gus, "I don't really like being alone. It reminds me of before."

"When?"

"Middle school. End of it. I used to get them every day. I would just hide when they happened. Didn't want anyone to find out."