head over heels

59 ~ well this sucks, but it's sort of okay

After feeling a glimmer of normalcy for half of Sunday, well— Evan's mood crashed, and hell, it crashed hard.

He figured that maybe this time he should just let it happen.

In its usual fashion, after Oliver's truly angelic moms showered them with kindness, Evans' uselessly defective brain decided that it wasn't having any of it.

"Fuck," he murmured, staring at the ceiling, the lights swimming dizzily.

"Hmm?" Kei uttered, looking up from his phone.

"Feel a bit shit," Evan said simply, trying to hold his voice steady. The truth. It was all in his head, but suddenly, out of complete fucking nowhere, he felt like the air was trying to kill him.

It happened like it usually did.

Slowly, like a dark cloud rolling in on him, he felt restless, knee jerking minutely, then rapidly, chest tightening, it got slightly harder to catch his breath, then came the soul crushing dread, and a spiralling train of thought. It was like a self fulfilling prophecy really. Even the idea of having a panic attack made him panic, so when they started like this— Evan was basically doomed.

Kei seemed to immediately clock what he meant.

"Hey," Kei said gently, scooting closer, completely uncaring that Oliver and his moms were on the other couch, "Do you want to go somewhere just us?"

Immediately, Evan nodded.

So, Kei turned and mumbled something to the others.

Evan could only really focus on Kei's hand winding into his as the other boy gently nudged him down the hall and into their makeshift bedroom.

Kei shut the door, and Evan hung his head.

He felt utterly, fucking pathetic.

As always, Kei didn't seem to mind. He grabbed both Evans hands and pulled him over to the wide, comfy couch in their guest room, where he sat, so close to Kei that he was basically in the other boy's lap.

He pulled Evans' head close, pressing their foreheads together.

"I'm sorry," he whispered shakily, feeling his chest quake.

"I love you," Kei just murmured, kissing his cheek.

God, he wished more than anything he could just pull himself back and happily cuddle Kei for the rest of the night, but that dread tipped him even further over the edge, and then he was pulled under.

Suddenly, he couldn't avoid the memories of the night before.

The first wave of panic hit him with such force that Evan actually let out a horrible, whimpering cry. It was pathetic. He was so—

Kei wound his arms around him gently.

He cried. For god knows how long, he cried. Again. He hated it. One minute he was fine, the next he was an inconsolable mess. He just wanted to be fucking normal.

Evan buried his tear stained face in his hands

His chest heaved as he tried desperately to catch a breath. Kei just rubbed soothing circles into his shoulders, then his back as Evan fell into him, face buried into the crook of his neck.

This one was bad.

He felt so utterly hopeless. In vain, he tried to think of Kei, here with him, Willow, the team, Ethan— who'd endlessly stood up for him, they had a place to stay, for as long as they wanted.