Therefore I am Yours | Billie Eilish - Watty Awards 2022

32. HOW DARE YOU RETURN?

Billie POV

Jordan really dared to come back after what she's done.

I think she doesn't know that I know.

I love her.

"Let me go!" I angrily say, ripping my arm out of her grip.

"Baby! What happened?" Jordan tries very hard to get a hold of me again, but I hurry out of the room.

She runs after me and yells.

"Billie? W- Stay- Just- Billie!" She starts to struggle to breathe and stops.
"What the fuck happened!" Jordan yells on top of her lungs.

"Don't fucking lie to me!" I shout even louder while tears prick at my eyes. I walk back into the greenroom towards my brother.
"Get out." I tell him and he does without hesitation.

I see Jordan come in once again and she looks like someone just told her that her best friend had died.

"Why did you not tell me about him!" I yell at her, fire boiling inside of me.

I don't think I have ever been more angry. Ever.

All I ever tried was to protect her, since the day I first met her and all she does is defraud me in the most hurtful way possible.

I can't even make out if this is real right now. The girl in front of me is not Jordan. Just like the girl from the crowd. It's not the Jordan that I used to know. Not the one I love.

"I- I can explain." She stutters, stepping closer.

"No! You can't explain kissing someone else! At my concert!" I yell and the last part of the sentence is just sobbing.

"But I love you!" Jordan cries out.

"That looked different to me."

We just keep on yelling at each other, never daring to lower our nuances just slightly.

"But you know that I only love you, Billie. I only love you! That was a horrible mistake I- I love you more than I ever imagined, please believe me ju- please, Billie! He just came out of nowhere and I- It just happened I- I don't know what came to my- my mind. All I know is that I love you, okay. I- love you." Jordan sobs, a begging tone filling her apologizing, stuttered words.

I start to feel some kind of relief. For the first time today I feel sorry. She sounds like she's in pain and everytime a tear escapes her eye, a piece of my heart breaks.

"Why would you do that when you love me?" I whisper, still crying.

"I can't answer that because I don't know. I was so happy to see you on stage and doing what you love the most that I just- I think I got carried away." Jordan steps closer.
"No lips in the world can give me the feeling that yours do, Billie." Jordan's gaze shifts to the ground and one last tear slides down her flawless face.

"Carried away? No feeling in the world should make you want to kiss someone else. I need some time, Jordan. Some time to think."

She takes two steps back and turns around, heading for the door and leaving.

My gaze just drops to the ground and I close my eyes tightly, trying to stop the accumulating tears. She left but for the first time I think that it's necessary. I need some space. I love her but I just do. I can't just forget what had happened today and act like we're all good. We're not. I need to sort my thoughts and find a way out of this shit because she is the only thing that's worth fighting for. Her love... even though I can't feel it right now. 

"Billie? What did she say?" Finneas snaps me back into reality. 

He walks over to me and drags me over to a couch, sitting me down and joining me. 

"Talk to me, Billie. Please." He puts his hand on my leg, trying to reassure me.

"You know I won't judge your decisions, ever."

I don't really listen to what he is saying right now because the only thing my mind shifts to is that my beloved girlfriend and I are separated for now. I am angry at her. Fucking angry but I also love her. I can't help it, okay.

"We messed up. I messed u-" I start.

"She messed up, Billie. Not you. Don't blame her mistakes on you. That't the worst thing you could do." He cuts me off, looking at me closely.

"But what now, huh? What the fuck now? I fucking love her, Finneas but I also hate her for deceiving me." My tears roll freely.

"Please, you gotta help me." I sob uncontrollably.

"I will, okay? Everything will be alright." Finneas hugs me while his hands strokes my head and I keep on sobbing his shirt wet. 

Jordan POV

I just walk back out to the celebrating crowds, not knowing what to do or where to turn, feeling lost like a kitten without her mother. If I had just known that today was going to turn out as the most horrible, I would have never stood up. 

I slap myself on the head with the palm of my hand, wanting my feelings and pain to drown. What do I do now? I feel weak and fragile. 

"Hey, Baby. Hm? You having fun so far?" 

I turn around and see my ex standing there. He is the source of my broken heart.

"Get out of my sight." I angrily say. Not too angry though. 

You have to know that he doesn't know about me and Billie. He knows that we are "friends" just like the rest of the world but nothing more.

"What happened? Did your friend Billie put in a bad show?"

"Fuck you, Hunter." 

I don't want him to mention Billie. Especially not in a bad way. 

"Chill, girl. You changed your mind about our kiss?" He steps closer, making me step back.

"That was a mistake, okay? Just forget about it." I say and decide to leave the conversation. Mentally and Physically. 

"Why, Jordan? You wanted it and I wanted it. I know that you liked kissing me." Hunter grabs me by the arm, stopping my attempt to leave.

"No I certainly did not. People make mistakes, just get it!" I escape his grasp and walk back to the greenroom. 

I don't want to face Billie just yet but I need to go somewhere and I am staying with her and her family, so where the fuck else should I go?

"See. You just said it yourself. People make mistakes... just like I did two years ago. Jordan!" He tries to call me back but I just keep on going without turning around. He is my past and I am leaving that behind me. Lastly, hold out my middle finger to him and make my way to my destination.

I feel a lot better now that I have "talked" to him about what happened so that he knows we are officially over. I mean we have been officially over since I broke up two years ago but he didn't seem to understand. I hope now he does. He deserves to be broken up with by the way he treated me. 

I reach the rooms and walk up to the door. I hesitate to knock and decide to just wait outside.